“Loving can cost a lot but not loving always costs more, and those who fear to love often find that want of love is an emptiness that robs the joy from life. – Merle Shain
I don’t really know how to start this confession. I’ve been feeling so many emotions these past few months about relationships in general. In my mind, I felt I’d never find a genuine person to give my heart to in this generation. Now a days, people in their 20’s are taught to not love fully. We’re programmed unconsciously not to give our hearts, our bodies, our souls, nor our truest self just to play the game of “dating” correctly. We’re programmed by our parents and our peers to think that we should never trust anyone. And unconsciously, this is the way I’ve always thought since high school. So, from that point on, even at approaching age 25 in the next few days, I haven’t had a true relationship since. To be real, I’ve casually dated, casually been intimate, but put my goals of graduating college and making something of myself first for the past 6 years. And I’m so tired of it since I’ve always wanted that traditional lifestyle of getting to know someone to prepare for marriage, getting married, and having a child all before I’m 30. But I didn’t know if that was realistic because I had no idea if genuine and traditional men existed anymore. Until I met someone who completely changed that perspective for me. This isn’t necessarily a love story like you all are probably thinking, but more so a blessing and a lesson.
When we met, it was so magical at the beginning. I was in awe with this person that I thought something had to be wrong with him. So, I created problems that didn’t even exist because I had never met someone who made me feel so beautiful, so worthy, so important. He made me feel like a queen. At the beginning, we didn’t even date like normal people usually do when they meet. We hung out with our close friends and were never afraid to show how much we liked each other, no matter who was around. Everyone admired our connection. But in the midst of those moments, I saw no one but him. The connection was crazy. I’ve never had mutual feelings for a guy in my entire life. And I freaked out. On him. All the time. Because it just didn’t seem real. Was he really this genuine? Is he really taking time to make me a part of his everyday life? Things were just too perfect, and honestly, I felt like I didn’t deserve such a wonderful guy. I dated outside of him just to make sure monogamy was what I really wanted. He found out sooner than later, and I found out too late that I would give up that lifestyle I had for so long just to be with him and only him. We had our doubts, his reasons were better than mine, but we always had fun..
I’ve never been so attracted to someone, and him being so comfortable being affectionate is what I really really really miss. I didn’t know better. I had this perception that no one in this world could be worthy of me pulling down my guard. I didn’t realize that if I hadn’t overthought this whole thing called a connection that I could be in a better position with this guy that had nothing but great intentions with me at the beginning. But I stayed in that place of fear. I wish I believed that if I gave love one try, I wouldn’t get hurt this time. Now, my mentality is slightly different. I know from now on I won’t bring up non-existent problems in the future. I know I brought out the worst in him from being so judgmental of all men. And the truth is all men aren’t the same. There are men out there that will do right by you at the very beginning. And it seemed unusual for me at first, but looking back, I wish my current self would go about that situation with an open mind. We all need to live in the moment sometimes, without overthinking, and see where things go. But hey, things happen for a reason.
I know I’m saying too much for the world to see, I honestly don’t care what anyone thinks. My advice to those dating in this generation is to judge someone based on actions and not perceptions. Don’t listen to anyone or anything but your gut. Keep your relationship as private as you can. Keep all details between you and your guy, not your friends and family because everyone thinks differently which can deteriorate your thinking at times. Express yourself when you need to, be a friend first, don’t be afraid to be vulnerable, exude love at all times no matter what, and always treat others how you would want to be treated. It’s easier said than done, but can be done. And now I’m going to take my own advice and hope for the very best.
Thanks for reading!